It's not easy to interpret dreams, especially our own. You wake up flustered, having had another recurring dream about your ex-boyfriend ... or your mother-in-law, or your boss or that co-worker you have a crush on. Were you feeling lonely last night before bed? How do you feel now? Uncomfortable? Frustrated? Spicy?
Our dreams, for the most part, do have meaning. So what does it mean when you dream about someone specific? First let's start off with some context. These dreams provide a visual bridge from your unconscious and your conscious mind. You're probably having more than one dream, too.
"Since dreams emerge from the unconscious and subconscious depths of our minds under the drive of our desires and fears, [the hidden meaning can be derived from] a combination of [elements]," Ribeiro says.
So are these dreams just random? "Because there is so much emotional and psychological processing during sleep, it would be foolhardy to overlook the content of our dreams or label it as purely random," says board-certified sleep physician and psychiatrist Alex Dimitriu, M.D.
Psychotherapist Rachel Wright, LMFT, says dream interpretation isn't always easy, though. "Dreams are elusive. What do you want it to mean? Think about how you feel [about the dream] and why you feel the way you do when you wake up - that's where the juicy stuff is," she says.
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Maybe you're having a recurring dream about someone's death, or maybe you're dreaming about your best friend. "It's hard to determine why a particular person appears in a particular dream," says dream researcher Richard Schweickert, professor emeritus at Purdue University's department of psychological sciences. Dreaming about the same person, in his opinion, could mean that person - or something associated with that person - plays an important role in your daily life. "Dreaming about someone can be specific to that person, or a metaphor for someone else," Dimitriu adds. What determines the difference?
Maybe you're not dreaming about your current relationship and instead are having bad dreams about an ex. "Because past relationships are often full of emotion, it is not surprising that dreaming about prior relationships may well be recurrent content in our dream life," Dimitriu says. But again, he says, most dreams reflect what's in the subconscious mind of the dreamer. Don't worry, though. "Sleep has roles in maintaining memory and regulating emotion," he explains.
If you're dreaming about that ex (or anybody for that matter) all the time, it's still probably nothing crazy. Schweickert says during our waking life, we interact with about 150 people at least once a year, so that's about the number of people we dream about in a year, too. In other words, you interact with a lot of people, so you dream about a lot of people, too. But as for the regularity when it comes to one person in particular? "People occur in dreams with systematic frequencies," Schweickert explains.
"Curiously, the probability distribution is the same as that of word frequencies. Words occur in English with various frequencies. As he puts it, if you spend time with someone, you're going to dream about them. Dimitriu agrees. "Dreams are very personal and private, and at the same time can be quite nonspecific and even confusing at times," he says.
On the positive side, telling a dream can be a way to bring up a deep issue," says Schweickert. "It can be safe, because it's an imaginary situation, not something that actually happened. If it's not the right time to open up - particularly with the subject of your latest dream - try this instead.
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"I suggest keeping a dream journal and taking some time to reflect on the dream content and possible meanings," Dimitriu says, "perhaps over more than just one session, before involving others and understanding your dreams.
If the breakup was in the past, the dream may be integrating memories of your ex with memories of current things. The answer to this is pretty easy: It comes down to the amount of time you spend with people during your waking hours (and the positive and negative emotions tied to them). Unfortunately, if you've had a difficult relationship with one or more family members, the dreams may be more frequent, he says. Ribeiro says these familial dreams also could have cultural significance. "On occasion, however, people may experience 'big dreams' involving the deeply meaningful appearance of parents and other close relatives, even deceased ones," he says. You might not always dream of your family, though, despite it being one of the most common dreams.
Dreams are hard to control and that means we end up having bad dreams, too. When we say prevent a bad dream, we mean can you stop intentional dreaming about a certain person, like that ex. Short answer, probably not. Sorry! But it actually might not be such a bad thing. "There is little one can do to stop dreaming about someone," Schweickert says. "Although dreams of your ex may be troubling, [these dreams] may gradually help emotional equilibrium. Good news, right? The more dreams, literally the more healing.
"Ironically, trying to stop thinking about your ex during the day may lead to more dreaming about them at night ... a dream rebound effect," explains Schweickert.
7 Common Dreams About Your Crush And What They Actually Mean
The Continuity Theory: Fact or Fiction?
The most frequently cited theory of dreams is the ‘continuity theory' or the idea that dreams reflect everyday experiences of the dreamer. After all it has been decisively refuted any number of times. Ernest Hartmann back in the 90s showed that instances of reading, writing and arithmetic are virtually absent in dreams of people including college students (who presumably spend a lot of time reading, writing and summing). Although most of have sex on at least a weekly-monthly basis, sex hardly ever occurs in dreams.
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The typical REM dream contains between two and three characters in addition to the dreamer, and these characters are very often complete strangers. According to the Hall/Van de Castle norms concerning dream content, about 50% of characters in dreams are not familiar to the dreamer. Empirical analyses of the properties and relationships of ‘unknown characters' in dreams reveals that they appear in rule-governed ways thus supporting claims that dream elements reflect ongoing memory editing procedures.
Using the Hall/Van de Castle system, William Domhoff looked at the role of "enemies" in dreams. Enemies were defined as those dream characters who typically interacted (greater than 60% of the cases) with the dreamer in an aggressive manner. Those enemies turned out to be male strangers and animals. Interactions with female strangers are predominantly friendly in the dreams of both males and females. In short, male strangers occur very often in dreams and they invaribly signal physical aggression.
This is an extremely important result of research on dream content, as it suggests that dream elements exhibit relible patterns of meaning and that these patterns of meaning have nothing to do with daily life. Instead male strangers appear to be a 'code' for aggressive impulses that are being processed in memory. These dream elements may encode selected emotional signals in rule-governed ways, and thus dream images may actually facilitate processes of emotional memory formation. These findings once again decisively refute the continuity hypothesis, it seems to me. Dreams, in short, do not reflect everyday experiences.
Common Dream Themes and Their Possible Interpretations
While dream interpretation is highly personal, here are some common dream themes and their potential meanings:
- Dreaming about an ex: May indicate unresolved emotions, integration of past experiences with current situations, or simply the brain processing memories.
- Dreaming about family: Can reflect the significance of familial relationships, cultural influences, or unresolved issues within the family.
- Dreaming about strangers: According to research, strangers, particularly male strangers, may symbolize aggressive impulses or emotional processing.
How to Approach Your Dreams
Here's how to approach your dreams about people:
- Keep a dream journal: Record your dreams as soon as you wake up to capture details and emotions.
- Reflect on the content: Analyze the dream elements, your feelings, and possible connections to your waking life.
- Consider personal associations: Think about what the person in your dream represents to you and any recent interactions or emotions related to them.
- Be patient: Dream interpretation is a process that may require multiple sessions of reflection.
The Scientific Study of Dreams: Key Researchers
Several researchers have contributed significantly to our understanding of dreams. Their work helps us understand the science and psychology behind why we dream about certain people.
| Researcher | Key Contribution |
|---|---|
| Ernest Hartmann | Refuted the continuity theory by showing that everyday activities like reading and writing are rare in dreams. |
| William Domhoff | Analyzed the role of "enemies" in dreams, finding that male strangers often represent aggressive impulses. |
| Richard Schweickert | Studied the frequency of people appearing in dreams, noting it correlates with the amount of time spent with them. |
| Alex Dimitriu | Emphasizes that dreams are personal and can reflect subconscious thoughts and emotions. |