The question of spiritual leadership within a family often arises: Is it solely the husband's responsibility? What does it even mean to be a spiritual leader in the home?
The Bible clearly affirms the equality of men and women (Galatians 3:28). At the same time, God tells us plainly that husbands are responsible for spiritual leadership in the home:
Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them. (Colossians 3:18-19)
Naturally, this can be a touchy subject. Some husbands might wonder, “What am I supposed to do - act like a preacher?” Some wives might ask, “Why is he supposed to be the only spiritual leader? Why can’t we both do it?”
Ultimately, it comes down to a simple truth: Families need leaders. Someone must make decisions and take ultimate responsibility for the household to run smoothly and efficiently.
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Remember, however, that a difference in roles doesn’t mean they are “unequal.” God doesn’t consider wives inferior, inadequate, less important, or less responsible than husbands. The Lord created a wife to be her husband’s best earthly resource. Only an unwise man would reject his wife’s opinions and help.
What is Spiritual Leadership?
Christians have different thoughts about what spiritual leadership at home looks like. However, if a husband and wife have a healthy relationship, the following actions are typical:
- They make decisions together as equals and look to Christ as the ultimate Head of their home.
- They consider their aptitudes and embrace tasks based on individual strengths.
- In some areas of service, they share tasks.
- They understand that, in the end, the husband carries the greater responsibility for leadership. And Ephesians 5:23 makes it clear that a man does have responsibility for leadership in his home.
That said, a husband must be a leader - not a tyrant or his wife’s superior. Leadership doesn’t give a husband the right to rob his wife of her individuality. He doesn’t get to disregard or mock her opinions and feelings. And he should never misuse leadership to get his own way.
So if we look to Jesus Christ as our model, all of this can only mean one thing: A husband is supposed to follow the path of a servant-leader.
HUSBAND'S ROLE IN MARRIAGE | SPIRITUAL LEADERSHIP
How Does a Spiritual Servant-Leader Act?
Jesus put it this way:
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You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great ones exercise authority over them. It shall not be so among you. But whoever would be great among you must be your servant, and whoever would be first among you must be your slave, even as the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many. (Matthew 20:25-28)
With that in mind, a husband who wants to fulfill the high calling of spiritual servant-leadership should develop these qualities:
- He imitates Christ. He must have a strong connection with his Heavenly Father. He finds his happiness in Christ above all else. He knows that he can lead effectively only if he keeps an intimate relationship with the Lord.
- He has integrity. He provides physical support, grace, and encouragement. He balances his commitments. He makes every effort to be the safest, wisest, and most respected man his family has ever known.
- He looks for ways to help each family member grow in their relationship with God. He pays attention to and nurtures his family’s mental, emotional, and spiritual health.
- He takes proactive steps. He looks for potential challenges to his wife’s and children’s well-being, and he finds solutions.
- He’s ready to protect, help, and defend. No matter what happens, he won’t hesitate to lay down his life for the people God has entrusted to his care.
We’ll end with these thoughts from marriage expert Greg Smalley. He says that “spiritual leadership really means living out [your] faith as a whole person: heart, soul, mind, and body.”
Husbands, let go of your preconceived notions of what it means to be a spiritual leader. … Embrace all that you do to live out your faith, and see it as spiritual leadership. Wives, I urge you to do everything you can to encourage your husband, affirming him for all that he does. Be sure to notice the “whole” picture of how your husband loves you and your family. (Recognizing Spiritual Leadership in the Little Things)
A few days ago, a friend asked me this question: "When you think of a spiritual leader in the home, paint me a picture of what that would look like?".
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In Part 1, I shared the role of the spiritual leader in first leading himself, so that he can best lead others. Today I share what it looks like for a godly man to lead his wife, and in part three, I will share how he can best lead his children/home.
The best picture we get of a husband's leadership of his wife comes in Ephesians 5:25-28:
Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.
Much of what I share below flows out of Paul's instructions to the husband from Ephesians 5. The key word you will see below is the word initiate. The godly spiritual leader takes the initiative in all the areas discussed below.
A spiritual leader does whatever he can to help encourage his wife to spend time in God’s Word. Any married man with children knows that his wife faces enormous challenges with raising kids and all the other responsibilities moms encounter. The godly husband does whatever he has to do to ensure that she can get some time alone and that she can flourish in her relationship with Jesus. Sometimes this means putting aside your selfish desires (James 4:1) to serve her. This is an example of Ephesians 5, of helping present her without spot or wrinkle, holy and without blemish. Sometimes the time alone is set aside for her to read her Bible and pray. Sometimes the time is for her to go shopping (for fun stuff, not groceries!). And sometimes, the time 'alone' is for her to spend some time with her friends, to laugh and have fun. He helps ensure she has great girlfriends in the neighborhood, church and workplace.
A spiritual leader engages with his wife and draws her out to share what she is learning spiritually, relationally and emotionally. He initiates conversations and seeks to learn from his wife. He asks her open-ended questions to better live with her in an understanding way (1 Peter 3:7). He is a constant learner and student of his spouse. He helps her use her gifts and thrive in ministry (1 Corinthians 12:4-11). A spiritual leader leads like a servant (Mark 10:44-45). He serves his family like Jesus served His followers (John 13:1-11). Man, this part is hard for me. I like ME and I don't like to put other's needs first. A friend once shared this principle with me: "When she stands, I stand. When she sits, I sit." In other words, when she is up cooking, doing laundry, cleaning the kitchen, then I'm up doing the same with her. When she sits down to read or watch TV, then I get to sit down with her. Again, I will refer you to Philippians 2:3-4.
A spiritual leader prays for and WITH his spouse. He doesn't just know how to pray for her (see part 1), but he prays WITH her. Praying with your spouse is one of the most intimate things you will do. Why would you miss out on it? The godly husband leads in initiating prayer with his spouse. Readers of my blog know I have struggled with leading in prayer in our marriage, but I have learned this is the one thing that could have the biggest impact in your marriage.
A spiritual leader dates his wife! Dating does not end when you say "I do." He takes the initiative to plan fun dates for them as a couple. He honors her, prioritizes her and pursues her, and seeks out creative and fun ways for them to spend time together outside of marriage. He does whatever he can to keep boredom out and creativity in.
A spiritual leader loves his wife, not just with feelings, but with actions. He backs up his words and promises with actions. For instance, a spiritual leader should be able to apply 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 for his wife. Saying and talking isn’t leadership; doing and applying is leadership. A spiritual leader can say, “Follow me, as I follow Christ” (1 Corinthians 11:1).
What's Next?
Spiritual leadership is a tough role. To love my wife like Christ is obviously no small task. Whether its leading myself, my wife or my children and home, leadership can be extremely challenging. It is for most guys I know and it certainly is for this husband. Yet... what a privilege you and I have in leading our wife to become more and more like Christ.
I said it in Part 1, and I'll say it again. If you don’t know where to start or if you’re overwhelmed, I get it. My challenge for you is to take one step towards being the spiritual leader God desires for you to be and that your wife needs and wants. You’re not alone in the battle.
Your Turn:
- Take some time to read through each one of the scripture references above. I intentionally did not include the scripture so that you would need to make some effort to read God’s Word.
- Pray. Where are you doing well? Where do you need to grow? What is ONE step you can take to better lead your spouse at home?
- Men: Have your wife read this post. Ask your wife how you are doing. Do not be defensive in your response. Rather listen, thank them for the feedback, and learn.
- Women: Lovingly suggest your husband read this post. Don't nag, but tell him you would like for him to lead you in the ways suggested above. In Ephesians 5:25-28, Paul is speaking to the husband, not the wife. You worry about Ephesians 5:22-24 and let God's Word, Spirit and people work on your husband.
- If you are the reading type: Go buy Tim Keller's book, The Meaning of Marriage. This is my favorite book on marriage. Tim (and wife Kathy) do a great job discussing roles in chapter six of this book.
If you are interested in learning more about the role of the husband and wife, then listen/watch this message called an Uncommon Design from Kyle & Lucina Thompson at the Uncommon Marriage Conference Watermark hosted in 2013.