Compatibility is a crucial aspect of human relationships, influencing how well people get along and interact with each other. It is often based on shared interests, similar personalities, or complementary traits. Psychologists define compatibility as having several key components that contribute to positive and fulfilling relationships.
In this article, we will discuss the science behind compatibility.
3 Major Signs of Compatibility in a Relationship
What Is Compatibility?
Compatibility is defined by psychologists as having several components (Sprecher, 2011). First, compatibility means people feel positively toward each other, whether that is feeling at ease around each other or being drawn to each other. Although negative emotions may come up sometimes in the relationship, they are not the norm when two people are compatible. Second, compatibility means enjoying what you do together; this could be as simple as just being in each other’s company, but it usually involves doing activities together that are mutually satisfying. In other words, in compatibility people find it not just pleasant, but also rewarding, to spend time together. Finally, compatibility also is often considered to involve having mutual interests. In this regard, I think of how for young children, friendships are based primarily on liking the same activities. For example, in my first week of preschool, I proudly announced to my mother that I had made a new friend; although we had not yet spoken to each other or played together, he was wearing a t-shirt with my favorite TV show on it, so my little child brain knew we could be compatible.
Friendship Compatibility
The Ratio of Interactions
One scholar’s definition of compatibility is a nice summary of the idea. Berscheid (1985) wrote that compatibility between two people can be defined as the ratio of their interactions that facilitate closeness to their interactions that conflict or interfere with becoming closer. I like this definition because I think it reflects our natural decision-making processes around when and where we socialize.
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Compatibility & Personal Characteristics
A less essential but still common component of compatibility is the matching of personal characteristics (Houts et al., 1996). This can look like similarity or complementarity. For example, I find it very relaxing to spend time around people whose personalities and ways of relating are very similar to mine. At the same time, I find it invigorating and refreshing to be around people who are different from me; I think it keeps me from getting too comfortable in my ways. That said, we have a natural tendency to gravitate toward people who are similar to us demographically (Houts et al., 1996). People who share our social class, racial or ethnic identity, or sexual identity are more likely than the average person to share our ways of relating to the world and our interests, so it is not surprising that friend groups are often pretty homogenous.
Research tells us that compatibility is at the heart of successful friendships (Laursen, 2017) as well as mentoring or coaching relationships (Kenow & Williams, 1999). The more compatible we are, the more positively we evaluate other people’s behaviors (Kenow & Williams, 1999). Furthermore, the more compatible we are, the more compatible we are likely to become: friends seem to become more similar over time as a result of their compatibility and time spent together (Laursen, 2017). One theory of compatibility simply states that similarities are attractive to us, and the drive to be around similar people leads us to feel compatible with those people (Montoya & Horton, 2013). Being similar makes it easier to connect immediately, easier to cooperate with others, and easier to find the relationship rewarding right away (Laursen, 2017).
Compatibility-Seeking
Social scientists have long documented this form of compatibility-seeking in what they call assortative mating (Thiessen, 1999). This is the fancy psychology term for the phenomenon of people choosing romantic partners with whom they are demographically similar. While this is typically measured in terms of selecting a partner who is similar in age, race, religion, socioeconomic status, and education, it also appears in our preference for people with levels of physical attractiveness, personality traits, and personal interests that are like ours. This seems to help with relationship outcomes: for example, people who are matched in their religiosity tend to have longer-lasting and more satisfying romantic relationships (Cassepp-Borges, 2021). In pursuing connections with people who are similar to us, we may be seeking people who are genetically similar to us (Rushton & Nicholson, 1988). We may also be seeking people who reflect the environment of our childhood and who help us recreate the interpersonal experiences we had with our families of origin (Reynolds et al., 2000). Or we may simply find it more rewarding to be around people who do the things we enjoy (Aron et al., 2000).
Assortative Mating
Personality Traits & Compatibility
Research does suggest that certain personality traits make some people more readily compatible with others. Examples of compatibility easily come to mind when I think about times I have tried to play matchmaker for my friends. When two people seem to have the same sense of humor or a shared passion for a particular hobby, I get excited at the thought of them getting to know each other and becoming friends. When people seem compatible on several levels, I start to wonder if there might be romantic compatibility as well. For example, the happiest couples I know often have shared interests, similar or complementary personalities, and some degree of a shared background.
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It becomes clear to us, over lifetimes of dating and relationships, that certain combinations of our traits with other people’s traits are more or less likely to work for us (Houts et al., 1996; Levinger & Rands, 1985). But these combinations are difficult to know beforehand-when researchers have tried to predict relationship compatibility using many different psychological measures, they have observed that knowing just one person’s personality and preferences is not a very helpful predictor of relationship outcomes (Joel et al., 2017).
Compatibility vs. Passion
Compatibility is a critical component of romantic love (Karney & Bradbury, 1995). Compatibility is about matching personality and interests, while passion is the desire to be close to someone. Beyond our initial experience of attraction to another person, it can be difficult to know how compatible we are. A variety of factors somewhat beyond our control, from random events in our lives to the experiences we have with another person as the relationship develops, powerfully influence our compatibility (Eastwick, 2016; Karney & Bradbury, 1995). One tip that emerges from the psychology research is to partner with somebody with whom you share common interests, such as leisure activities (Crawford et al., 2002). In other words, couples that have multiple options for enjoyably spending downtime together are often the happier couples.
My other tip for finding a compatible relationship is to avoid overinvesting at the outset. Our judgment of compatibility can become clouded by the excitement and passion of starting a relationship, and we may move into greater commitment to the other person without paying attention to the quality of fit.
The Importance of Warmth
In addition to the characteristics I mentioned above, people who are interpersonally warm are more easily compatible with others (Finkel et al., 2012). Beyond this, however, it really does come down to how well two people’s personalities and interests match each other - your personal traits make you compatible with some people and less compatible with others. So rather than worrying about whether you are naturally likable, I think it is more beneficial to focus on what, or who, will be compatible with you (Marchi et al., 2023): what are your values, lifestyle preferences, and opinions?
The opposite of compatibility is incompatibility, or the state of not being a good match in terms of personality traits and interests. When two people are incompatible, interacting is difficult, unintuitive, and unrewarding. For example, I once had a direct supervisor with whom every interaction felt effortful.
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If we return to our “ratio” definition of compatibility, we can see why compatibility is important: relationships with high rates of positive interactions and positive emotions are more likely to deepen and last, while relationships with less compatibility will remain challenging and less satisfying and usually end up involving less and less contact (Crawford et al., 2002).
Key Aspects of Compatibility
| Aspect | Description |
|---|---|
| Positive Feelings | Feeling at ease and drawn to each other. |
| Shared Enjoyment | Enjoying activities together and each other's company. |
| Mutual Interests | Having common interests and hobbies. |
| Matching Characteristics | Similarity or complementarity in personal traits. |